"5 Pocket Knives I'd Buy First if I Had to Start Over" - in America!

 

Ute knife baabee! Ute knife, baby ute knife...
(Wikipedia)

So I was watching Slipjoint Sawyer on the YouTube and it was pretty good, as is all his stuff. But this one was problematic as he’s in England, so his list may be a little different if he was in the U.S. of A. So here’s my version of Mr. Sawyer’s starting over list.

               First off, America is pretty much a sink or swim state, so if you're down, well good luck buddy. Let’s say your apartment building burnt down and you didn’t have insurance. Or you wife got sick and you had lousy insurance. Or your wife got better and ran off with her lawyer who got her everything. Everything? Even my knife collection? Yup, everything. 

And while all this was going on at home that pretty good job you had disappeared when your company moved to Upper Volta, and you won’t get any unemployment because you’re a dirty Democrat, or even worse, a cat eating Britisher! So you need a job and you need it fast and you take the first thing you can get, and it’s minimum wage, federal minimum wage, $7.25 an hour and you want to buy some knives (for comparisons sake a big mac combo in America runs between $8 and $13  nationally). Here’s what you do.

               Your first paycheck: “Hyper Tough Retractable Utility Knife with Blade Storage, Model 6832, 7.75 in” $3.92 from Walmart. It even comes with 3 disposable blades, because all the best blades are disposable.

               Your second paycheck: Well you're really cooking with gas now, you got a fiver to spend! How about the Rough Ryder Yellow Mini Trapper Folding Knife at $4.99? It’s almost a real big boy knife!

Your third paycheck: Wow only six weeks in and you got a sawbuck left over, good job! Splurge on a “Frost Cutlery Black Hills Steel Dakota Blue Bone Peanut Folding Knife” for only $9.99. What, you don’t have anything for taxes and shipping? Well. You’ll get another paycheck in a mere two weeks. Hang in there.

Your fifth paycheck: Hey, you got raise after they found your shift leader hanging in the break room, now you’re the shift leader! Yay! It’s 20 more bucks a week and it’s off to Roper town, no pun intended. The “Roper Liner Lock Pecos Delrin Knife” is a nice midsize old timey looking knife with some modern touches. The 1065 steel blade and yellowish Delrin handles are making you feel like a human again! It’s pricy, like 20 bucks, but you’ve earned it.

Your sixth paycheck: That $7.75 an hour just keeps gushing in and you want something swanky. How about a Marble's Exhibition Grade Brown Checkered Bone Barlow” At only $17.99 this stylin beauty will make you look like a ten dollar an hour man. The sky’s the limit! Now go buy a shovel because you still got a lot of digging to do.